The WeGame Blog

Scene opens. Jeff is outside Brandon’s apartment, staring up at the gate. As he finishes his narration, he walks through the gate.

Jeff, Narrating

I took a cab to meet Brandon. Why, I don’t know. Oh wait, I do know. It’s because I got some disturbing news that concerns us both. Yes, we had a falling out, but this was news I knew he wanted to hear.

Scene switches to Brandon, sitting in a chair in his apartment.

Brandon, Narrating

Time. It makes chinchillas of us all. One day you’re a machinima author with suspenders and a cool hat, and the next day you’re exactly where you were the previous day. Thinking about the past filled me with many emotions–anger, sadness, trepidation—but my thinking was interrupted by a sound that cut through the silence like a hot knife slicing through something soft, yellow and goes good with bread, the name of which I can’t recall at this particular moment. I heard someone knocking on my second story sliding glass balcony door.

Oxhorn opens curtains to see Gorndt standing there.

Brandon, Narrating

It was Gorndt. What was he doing here?

Brandon

It’s Gorndt. What are you doing here?

Jeff

Just let me in. I have some news you need to hear.

Brandon

Fine.

Brandon opens the door, turns around and walks away. During the entire following scene, Gorndt and Brandon repeatedly loosen their ties, as a running gag, particularly when they are angry.

Brandon

Come in, come in—but don’t slam the door for Pete’s sake.

Gorndt eyes the sliding door cautiously and, wearing a slightly confused look, slides it shut.

Brandon

Can I… offer you a drink?

Jeff

No thanks, I’m not hungry.

Brandon

Damn it Gorndt, how can you show your face here after what you did to me.

Jeff

I’m not here to talk about the past. But I got some news you need to hear.

Jeff pulls out some pictures and hands them to Brandon. Brandon flips through them while Jeff talks. They are pictures of Orangey the couch in many different places—Paris, Easter Island, Greece, etc.

Jeff

It’s Orangey, our old couch. She’s been in constant contact with me since the company went virtual–

Brandon

You bastard. Have you come to torture me after all this time? After what you did to me?

Jeff

What do you mean?

Brandon

You know perfectly well what I mean! You slept on Orangey, when you knew that I wanted to sleep on Orangey!

Jeff turns around with a distraught look on his face.

Jeff

I know, and I feel bad, but it was a late night and I had been drinking. I was tired, and Orangey looked so soft and inviting…

Brandon

But there were perfectly good bean-bags all over the place, and even a black leather couch. Why, why did you have to pick Orangey?

Jeff

I’m sorry, ok? I can’t help it if Orangey likes me better than you. But we have to put the past behind us. Orangey is in trouble, and I need your help.

Brandon turns around with a pain-stricken look on his face.

Brandon

Oh sure, now you need me, now you come to Brandon, when the chips are down. But what if I don’t help you, see? What If I let you sleep in the bed you made for yourself?

Jeff

Then Orangey is lost forever. And as bitter as you are, I know you won’t let that happen. You still love Orangey.

Brandon

Yes, yes I still love Orangey. I love Orangey like a tin can loves a bulldozer that’s run him over. I love Orangey like a mannequin loves the store clerk who dresses and undresses him, then puts him in a dark, dusty closet to collect cobwebs.

Brandon turns around.

Brandon

I’ll help you.

Jeff

Thank you. I stopped receiving letters from Orangey about a week ago. Then this morning I got an anonymous telegram. It said that Orangey had been kidnapped in Shanghai.

Brandon

Fitting.

Jeff

It said that if we ever wanted to see Orangey again, we had to watch the best WeGame video from 2008 to find the clue.

Brandon

The best WeGame video from 2008? But that’s impossible!

As Brandon says the next line he slowly changes his voice to an infomercial voice, his expression grows less sullen and at the end he looks at the camera, smiles and gives a thumbs-up, and Jeff does too.

Brandon

WeGame has thousands of great videos–comedies, dramas, frag videos—with a great client for recording footage and an eye-catching and intuitive website!

Its impossible to pick the best video!

Jeff

Damnit Brandon, we have to try! I think we should start by interviewing the other WeGame staff members. Maybe they know which is the best video.

Brandon turns around with pain drawn all over his face.

Brandon

Ugh, this plot is dripping with heart-wrenching agony and suspense! Not to mention urban, gritty realism.

He spins around.

Let’s do it. For Orangey.

Jeff

For Orangey.

Camera pans wide and they both quickly straighten their ties.

Scene 02

Scene opens to shots of San Francisco. We see shots of cable cars, street vendors etc, and the camera shows Jeff and Brandon walking down the street here and there. Then we reach the door of Bill, who opens it, nods slightly and lets us in.

Jeff, Narrating

San Francisco, the city that goes to bed at half-past ten. It was here that we went to get some answers, and where questions go to bleed to death in a gutter after being assaulted by a band of wandering beggars. We made our first stop at the home of Bill, Engineer and posterior philanthropist.

Scene switches to inside Bill’s place. Jeff is sitting in a chair with his notepad out taking notes, Brandon has his hands on his hips, looking out the window. Bill is sitting at his table or something. We’ll figure it out when we get there. As we talk with him we get a flashback of the video he mentions.

Bill

The best video of 2008? that’s a tough one. I guess I’d say “My adoring fan is emo”, mainly because I enjoy seeing that blond-haired idiot jump off a cliff. Every time he takes a dive after speaking in that horrible accent, heh, well, I get a little giddy inside.

Jeff

Suicide, eh? That seems out of character for Orangey.

Brandon

Yeah, good video, but probably not the one we’re looking for. Orangeys not that kind of couch.

Bill

Well then I can’t help you. You might want to check with Vivek—he has a good eye for that sort of thing.

Jeff

Will do.

Jeff starts to stand up but Bill stops him.

Bill

Oh, and please find Orangey quickly. We have a history together.

Brandon

What’s that supposed to mean.

Bill

Well, one night when I was working late, I took a nap on Orangey and–

Brandon

What?! ARG!

Brandon storms off-camera.

Bill

What was that all about?

Jeff

Long story. I’ll tell you later.

Jeff gets up and leaves. Scene transition.

Scene 03

Scene switches to Jeff and Brandon walking to Vivek’s place while Brandon narrates. They knock on his door, he opens and lets them in.

Brandon, Narrating

We arrived at the home of Vivek, Engineer and purveyor of tactful indiscretion, with high hopes and low expectations.

Vivek

I’d say “I wanna be the guy”. The video showcased some amazingly hard level design, which, as an Engineer, I can appreciate. I’m not sure what kind of clue that video would give, though.

Brandon

Hmm. Maybe that finding Orangey is an impossible task?

Jeff

No, because if it was impossible then the audience would lose interest. The task needs to be just hard enough so that its not boring, but easy enough so that it seems possible.

Vivek

Hmm, well then you might want to talk with Paul. I warn you, though. He’s a bit… unpredictable.

Scene 03

During the following narration, Brandon and Jeff arrive at Paul’s place to find the door slightly ajar. Brandon and Jeff put their hands together in the shape of a gun, slowly open the door, and sneak in. They walk through the apartment for a while as Jeff narrates.

Jeff, Narrating

Unpredictable was an understatement. Paul’s home was a maze. Death could attack at any moment, and from any direction. I felt scared and insecure, and I could tell that Brandon felt the same way.

Jeff

I feel scared and insecure.

Brandon

I feel the same way.

Just then, Paul jumps out of the darkness in his ninja suit and scares them. He then stands before them and bows while Jeff’s narration resumes. Jeff and Brandon, with startled and slightly annoyed facial expressions, holster their fake guns.

Jeff, Narrating

It was only Paul, Engineer and reincarnated spirit of Emperor Shōkō of the Muromachi Period . His ways were strange, and he appeared to suffer from a speech impediment.

Scene switches to Jeff and Brandon sitting Japanese style in front of Paul, holding tea cups.

Paul

Konichiwa.

Jeff

What’s he saying?

Brandon

I have no idea.

Paul

(in Japanese)

I see you have come for answers.

Jeff

Just nod and play along!

Jeff and Brandon nod and say “uh-huh”. As Paul speaks we see a flashback of the video he talks about.

Paul

(In Japanese)

I believe the best video is “Special move rocketshovel”, because the player was obviously a ninja like me. He came from the darkness and defeated his enemy with movies like tiger.

Brandon

Yes, well, great chat Paul and, um, we’ll take that under advisement.

Jeff

Thanks for the tea!

Paul

(In Japanese)

You honor my ancestors.

Jeff and Brandon get up to leave.

Scene 04

During the following narration, Jeff and Brandon travel to Dat’s place, with various cut scenes of walking through halls, taking elevators, and the like. We end the narration by banging on Dat’s door, who opens it and sticks his head out.

Brandon, Narrating

Next on the list was Dat, UI Designer and connoisseur of anything that impairs your driving. A quiet man, we knew it might take a little coaxing to get him to open up.

Dat

What do you want.

Jeff

We just wanted to ask you a question. Do you have a minute?

Dat

Look, I’m in the middle of a project and don’t have time. I’m trying to come up with a new idea but don’t have any inspiration.

Brandon

That’s a strange coincidence, because it just so happens that we brought some inspiration.

Brandon and Jeff hold up some beer bottles and jiggle them slightly. Camera switches to Dat who’s eyes go wide.

Title slide: Thirty Minutes Later.

Dat, Brandon and Jeff are sitting on a couch with empty beer bottles everywhere. Jeff is laying slumped over with a hat covering his eyes and wearing a contented grin. Brandon has his arm around Dat who is leaning forward, slightly drunk. As he talks about the video, you see a flashback of it.

Dat

You know what wins this hands down? “Egad Pits Soldier Boy”. I mean it has everything! Action, music, action and… more action. It’s like… woah! Heres a video, that’s also a song! It’s like, poetic, man.

Brandon

That’s so true. It’s poetry in motion… and I never noticed until now! Thank you, man.

Dat

No, thank you man.

Brandon

No, thank you, man!

Jeff

Thank me.

Dat & Brandon

Thank you man.

Scene 05

Scene opens to shot of train going by. We cut inside the train. Jeff and Brandon are sitting down. Brandon is reading the paper, Jeff is looking out the window. As Jeff narrates, the camera switches to a close up of his face. As he talks about emotions, his face mimics those emotions, until we get to “verisimilitude”, where Jeff furrows his brow, looks at the camera, and mouths the word “what?” When Jeff continues his narration, Jeff regains himself and looks out the window, pensive.

Jeff, Narrating

The next morning found us boarding the train, and lost us when the train started moving. Soldier Boy wasn’t the clue—the movie didn’t make any sense at all. It filled me with many different emotions—angst, frustration, wonder and verisimilitude—but none of them led us to the clue.

Scene switches to Jeff and Brandon ringing Andy’s doorbell and Andy opening the door and letting them in.

Jeff, Narrating Cont.

We arrived at the home of Andy, VP of Engineering and father of many future heart-breakers, and were greeted by his customary warmness.

Andy

Good morning.

Brandon & Jeff

Morning.

Jeff, Narrating

But I didn’t trust him. There was something sinister behind those jolly eyes and I was going to find out what.

Jeff

All right Andy, I’m here to play hard ball. I’ve got some questions and I hope, for your sake, that you have some answers.

Andy

Sure, ask away.

Jeff

WHAT…is the best video on WeGame.

Andy

Hmm, well you know, I guess I’ll have to go with The Robber Baron of Warsong Gluch.

Jeff

Oh yeah?!

Andy

Yeah, it has comedy, suspense, great music and fine cinematography. I like it the best.

Jeff

Oh really? And that’s your answer?

Andy is wearing a big, harmless grin.

Andy

Yeah.

Brandon

That’s a fine movie, but I just don’t think it has the clue. I mean its about a robber, and we already know that Orangey has been kidnapped.

Jeff

Yeah, that’s true. Well Andy? Sure you have nothing else to say?

Andy thinks about it for a moment.

Andy

Yep.

Jeff

Huh. Ok then.

Scene cuts to Jeff and Brandon outside Andy’s door. Andy closes the door behind them.

Jeff

I guess sometimes things are exactly as they seem.

Brandon

Yeah. Nice guy.

The two walk off. Scene cuts to inside where Andy is glaring at them from behind the curtains. One of his kids comes up behind him.

Kid

Daddy, can I come out now?

Andy

(harshly)

Get back to your cage!

Scene 06

Scene opens to Jeff and Brandon walking around a suburban neighborhood. They arrive at Anna’s door, knock, and are let in.

Brandon, Narrating

Next on the list was Anna, (Executive Assistant?) She had the kind of name that would make an anagram lover giddy. Thankfully, we both hated anagrams.

Brandon

I know your type. You’re the kind of dame that would go for a haircut, pay for it and even tip well. I’ve seen your kind before. But you won’t play your little games with me missy. Now will you answer our question or not?

Anna

Sure.

Brandon

Yeah?

Anna

Yeah.

Brandon

Yeah?!

Anna

Yeah.

Jeff

Don’t play coy with us. We just want some answers, and you’re going to give them to us, ya hear?

Anna

Yeah.

Jeff

Yeah?

Anna

Yeah.

Brandon

Enough of this friendly banter. Tell me, what’s the best video on WeGame?

Anna smiles big as she talks about her favorite video, as if she didn’t hear their previous threatening dialog.

Anna

I like Northrend Wonderland. I just love how dark the humor was, and how funny the song was. Its one of those movies that you watch a number of times and then catch yourself humming later.

Brandon and Jeff are quiet for a moment. Then Brandon quickly says:

Brandon

Conference.

Jeff and Brandon turn around and talk quietly between themselves while Anna looks on in the background.

Brandon

Do we buy it?

Jeff

It was a good movie…

Brandon

But there’s no clue in it! Unless we conclude that Orangey was taken to Northrend, which I doubt very much.

Jeff

Blast, looks like Anna has foiled us with her clever mind games.

Brandon

Aye, curses, me hardy, curses.

Jeff pauses.

Jeff

Wait, was that pirate?

Brandon

Huh? Oh, yeah, I thought it would be a nice touch.

Jeff

No, but we’re film noir crime detectives. Pirates are totally out of place.

Brandon

Yeah, but I can do a pirate better than a hardboiled detective from the 40s.

Jeff

Look I can sympathize, but just stay in character, come on.

Brandon

All right, all right.

The two turn around.

Jeff

You may think you’ve won now, but we’re wise to you. We’ll be leaving now, but don’t think for a moment that we’ve forgotten!

Brandon

No, we haven’t forgotten!

Jeff

Yeah.

Brandon

Yeah.

The two leave while speaking the last few lines.

Scene 06

The two are standing outside Anna’s door.

Brandon

So where does that leave us?

Jeff

Not sure. None of the movies mentioned yet had the clue. There’s only one person left who could tell us the best video on WeGame from 2008.

The two look at each other.

Jeff & Brandon

The boss.

They walk off. Scene switches to inside Jared’s house. Jeff, Brandon and Jared are sitting at the table or on the couch.

Jared

Mmm, it’s hard to pick just one. But if forced to, I’d say… Murmaider.

Jeff

Murmaider?

Jared

Yeah, it was short, sweet and funny. The dark humor was great and I just thought the entire concept of murdering mermaids was completely ridiculous.

Brandon

Well, its quite possible that the murder part refers to Orangey. The kidnapper could have killed her.

Jeff

Yeah, but the mermaid part? That doesn’t make sense. I mean mermaids are in the sea.

Brandon

Yeah, and for Orangey to be a mermaid she’d have to be thrown in…

Their eyes go wide and they look at each other.

Jeff

You don’t think…

With that they race out the door while the song “Murmaider” plays the chorus, “Murder! Murder! Mermaid! Murder!” over and over again. Here we have a montage of Jeff and Brandon hailing a cab, riding in the cab, running out of the cab and arriving at the docks, late at night.

Camera switches to a front view of Jeff and Brandon staring at something in the water. Brandon bends forward to pick something up. Camera switches to a waist-up shot of the two standing, wearing somber expressions. Brandon stands up, holding an orange couch pillow. He takes off his hat in respect.

Jeff

We’re too late. The free spirit that was once Orangey the couch has sailed on, to support the bums of other Internet show hosts, in the afterlife.

Brandon

Strange. My body was a-quiver with passion as we tried to save our beloved Orangey, but now that she is gone, I feel only the cold hard throbbing of remorse. My senses have died like maple leaves in fall.

Jeff looks at him and pauses for a moment.

Jeff

That was a bit much, don’t you think?

Brandon

Yeah, well, it’s the end of the episode, give me a break.

They both light up a cigarette.

Jeff

We need an epitaph to commemorate our beloved couch.

Brandon

How about this:

“Orangey—

Her soft, comfy pillows fulfilled all our wishes

but alas, now her pillows swim with the fishes.”

Jeff

Eh… it’ll do.

Brandon and Jeff toss their cigarettes into the water, turn around and walk away.

Movie fades out.

Roll Credits and Bloopers.

FIN